My Daughter Lost Her Father
My daughter lost her father
as if in a storm
where the lighthouse still works
yet no one
can see the beam
through the fog.
No, not like that.
She lost her father
will be losing him
all her life
because he isn’t there
even when he’s here. Her father is
a dangerous illusion.
Not quite. My daughter lost her father
the first night he was back from the road
when I was four months pregnant.
He chose to stay, and in celebration
reveled in my “no”
while he raped me
at my parents house.
That’s not it either.
He never was.
I want to erase him
from our family history,
but stop there
as erasing means
forgetting the learning
that must take place for healing
of myself
to be a mother
that teaches my daughter
to fight back
and walk away,
or maybe
to choose
better.
My daughter lost her father
because I
finally
chose to leave,
and I will be
answering difficult questions
about why
the rest of my life.
************************************************************************************************************************
Did You Take It?
Maybe I will
get over
wanting to be held
I wasted years
with you
yearning for us to
morph into something different;
naive
trusting
wrong.
The ocean can hold me
and our daughters arms
wrap around mine
at night
so gently. I wrap blankets tight
for the feeling.
Did you take it?
I can no longer hold myself,
hold space for this person
who continued to choose
to make a life with you.
I made so much damn space
for you. Still tiptoeing around
even though
you’re gone
and I’m glad
Claire Moss is a poet and songwriter living in Los Angeles. She spends her days working at local nonprofits and exploring LA with her three year old daughter.