Poems of Amber, "Mamma"

My mother taught me to yell and scream but not how to walk away
she taught me that a woman is equal to a man
that when the mountains of patriarchy try to contain you
you roar until you are heard
but not until you are respected
she told me there was nothing I couldn’t do
yet she refused to do anything
she beamed at my intellect
the way I devoured books
yet she read nothing
she scorned at my anger
was disgusted by my sadness
yet she cried herself to sleep for years
pounding her small fists on the objects she traded her spirit for
she taught me that I didn’t need a man
that I could be independent
yet she kept herself shackled by the chain of the life she had chosen for us
she taught me that love is real
that not all love hurts
yet she said this in between sobs and bruised lips
huddled on the floor sheltering her pregnant belly
protecting her baby boy from the kicks of his father on a calm November night
the second heartbeat she had carried for 8 months was still
a day later as if the script writers decided a different ending
the heartbeat returned
as if the gods knew they would lose you to this one
saved the pain for another day
another episode
another mistake committed by a man you didn’t love
yet couldn’t leave
you feared poverty and loneliness
yet you didn’t fear for my life
for the scars that after all these years still can’t seem to fade
you taught me that my eyes were worthy of stars
and that someday I would fly
that someday I would be someone
but you mistakenly forgot that I already was someone
that I was your daughter and that if all my strength came from tears then eventually the rivers would
swallow me
taking all of my potential to the sea.